You must buy every single statement necklace from J. Crew and own blazers, Hunters, and Oxford shirts in every color of the rainbow. You must tattoo your monogram on your forehead in glitter and paint every finger and toe nail a different Lilly Pulitzer print. Extra points if you fit your monogram on your thumbs. If you don’t have pearls and/or bows on at least 3 places on your body, you will be excommunicated. After you have fixed yourself accordingly, you must climb a staircase that leads to Mount Olympus in a pair of Sperrys and hunt down Aphrodite and her sorority sisters for their sacred sign of approval. Then drive a pick up trunk into the deep south, listening to nothing but Cruise and Wagon Wheel and purchase your first Lilly shift dress. Live for three months with the Vineyard Vines whale hat on your head and Jacks on your feet.
Then, my dear friend, you must drown yourself in the fucking Atlantic Ocean off the shores of Martha’s Vineyard because if you have to ask how to be preppy, you clearly are unaware of The Cardinal Rule of Preppiness: DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT AND DON’T BE A LITTLE SHIT
Its 8:30 pm and I just daydreamed about how good my coffee is going to taste tomorrow morning…